This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
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Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
🤣🤣🤣
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.