The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
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The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.