Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
You Might Also Like
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
No way!
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table