Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
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*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee