Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
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ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Any refunds available?…
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.