My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
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My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Got ya covered
What a chick magnet..
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.