As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
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If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!