Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
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Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*