Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
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[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
i love modern commerce
The cashier just checked me out.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving