One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
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the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.