I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
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Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
i wish we could shoplift online
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit