When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
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Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”