I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
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We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
buying dead houseplants to save time
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me: