You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
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Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.