Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
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The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?