I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
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According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Why is no one talking about this?!
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”