Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
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“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
My daily affirmation
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No