realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
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Canada has crack?
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
☠️☠️☠️
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.