I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
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Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.