Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
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“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
started wrapping my pills in cheese
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this