[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
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(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
looks legit
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10