True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
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[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
According to math, I’m broke
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.