My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 馃ぃ
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*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it鈥檚 working
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Kid: I don鈥檛 like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don鈥檛 like chicken nuggets anymore.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I鈥檝e decided I don鈥檛 like time any more
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
FINE, I WON鈥橳.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
馃槀
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Her: You鈥檒l never guess what I did today.
Me: You鈥檙e right. *gets up, leaves the room*