A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
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Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together