when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
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Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Something Saturday.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.