Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
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They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Selfie
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*