Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
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Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
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Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
*performs CPR on the turkey*
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open