I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
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waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.