[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
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*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.