All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
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Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*