“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
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ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*