Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
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If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Shoo shoo! 😂
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.