I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
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Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.