them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
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13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
black phone good
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd