* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
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[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*