Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
You Might Also Like
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
dictator is short for richard potato
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
PLOT TWIST:
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.