I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
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adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.