If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
This made me chuckle.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
do horses think humans are hats
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet