*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
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Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
A dad and his duck
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages