Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
You Might Also Like
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh