Weighing up my bread heating options
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incredible
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel