Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
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[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.