Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
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[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute