if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
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I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later