I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
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Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.