Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
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Ooops wrong house😂😜
This was a bad idea all around
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
nice challenge
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.