[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
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Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
mechanics be like
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily