The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
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a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.