I wish gyms had a “montage” option
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ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
bad news gang
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?