[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
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do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.